A few weeks ago I published a hurling team made up of characters for history. The team was picked while on a long car journey home from Dublin and it helped pass the journey.
We had some fun picking that team, but the comment was passed to me recently that it was an all-male team and that there were plenty of female characters in history who could make up a similar Camogie team. I thought about this for a while and I decided to have a shot at it.
It did not take me long to realise that this was going to be trickier than I first thought. There are fundamental differences in the ways that men and women approach sport. For example I failed to convince one of my female colleagues recently that “multi-tasking” meant watching two different sports on two different channels at the one time. She still maintains that it has to do with working in the home and keeping down a job!
Men like the macho approach. They like the idea of two stags locking antlers and pushing each other around. In general, men admire skill but they will accept brawn. That is why Genghis Khan was picked ahead of the likes of Alexander Graham Bell on fictitious the hurling teams I published last month.
Female sports are not like this. Skill is the dominating factor. Take tennis for example, the male game is dominated by 140km per hour serves, while the female game is combination of well placed serves and subtle drop shots.
It is the same with camogie. The greatest attribute of all the best players is pure skill. Players like Sandie Fitzgibbon (Cork), Angela Downey (Kilkenny) and Eimear McDonnell (Tipperary) never had to burst through a wall because they could always hurl their way around it.
That means is that there is no place for Xena, The Princess Warrior, on my team. However, if the game was going against us, I think she would be a handy sub to have on the sideline – or is that just my male side dominating again?
After all those excuses, the following is my Camogie team of historical characters; both real and legendary. I hope you enjoy.
Goalkeeper – Florence Nightingale. Before she became a nurse and helped save thousands of lives, she played in goal for her local camogie team. It is said that her sharp eye saved many goals. She became known as the “Lady of the Lamp” because of her habit of staying back after training looking for lost sliotars in the long grass behind the goals.
Right corner-back – Jane Austen. Although she is very prim and proper, she is very dependable and plays with a lot of “Sense and Sensibility”. That said, when she comes under pressure she can apply a lot of “Persuasion” to the situation.
Full back – Mona Lisa. She is known to all at the smiling assassin. However, the real story behind that strange smile is that she forgot her helmet one day and played without it. During the game a clumsy attempt to block the full forward cost her four teeth.
Left corner back – Calamity Jane. She is the tough woman in the full back line. Her nickname is a misnomer; she does not make mistakes. Instead she earned the title “Calamity” because of her roar at the beginning of every game “a calamity will befall any forward who scores against us tonight.”
Right half back – Cathy Earnshaw. She is a natural tear-away wing back and much of the credit for this must go to her personal trainer, Heathcliff. Recently, however, she has strayed from her tough training regime. This new found fondness for wealth and glamour could wreck her health.
Centre back – Grace O’Malley or Granuaile. This much travelled player is a fearless defender. When the game is going well she has been known to raid up field and capture a score or two.
Left half back – Ella Fitzgerald. She is graceful player who complements the more direct styles of Calamity Jane and Grace O’Malley. Because of her amazing stroke play has was given the nickname “The First Lady of Swing”.
Centre – field (No 8) – Anne of Cleaves. She managed to keep her head in the court of King Henry the Eighth when all about her were losing theirs. Her ability to cover large tracts of the field, earned her the nickname “The Mare of Flanders” from King Henry himself.
Centre – field (No 9) – Marie Curie. She is a very creative player full of bright ideas. Her former under-age coach once said of her “she is so inventive, I bet she even glows in the dark.”
Right half forward – Annie Oakley. She is deadly from frees. In fact she is so good that every time the referee blows the whistle for a free, the crowd roar “Annie get your gun”.
Centre forward – Emmeline Pankhurst. She is the ideal leader of the attack and is prepared to strike from anywhere. Emmeline was dropped from the team last year after a much publicised row with the team coach. She demanded that age old practice of the coach picking the captain should be scrapped, and that the team would be allowed vote for the captain instead. She is currently campaigning for the Camogie players voting rights in the GPA.
Left half forward – Amelia Earhart. She is regarded as the fasted player on the team; an absolute flyer on the wing. However, you need to keep an eye on her during the game because she has a habit of going missing for long stretches.
Right corner forward Eva Peron – This Argentinian has built up a great rapport with the crowds. This was not always so. She once shocked the spectators when she savagely attacked a male umpire who blew kisses at her. The incident is recalled in the popular song. “Don’t wink at me or I’ll cleave ya”.
Full forward – Joan of Arc. She plays every game as if it was a crusade. She is fearless in attack and never gives in. One unusual trait she has is that she imports her hurleys from Louisiana. We know this because they are all stamped “Maiden New Orleans”.
Left corner forward – Helen of Troy. – Regarded as the best looking player on the team. Hundreds of men travel thousands of miles to see her play. Despite all the attention and presents they give her, she spurns them all. When asked why, she replied “My mother told me to beware of geeks bearing gifts.”